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We are all the same.

Coach Jen — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 06:14:03 +0000

This past week I spent some time at UConn for my last session with the team. I had dinner one of the nights at an Asian restaurant, a small hole-in-the-wall type place with really good food. The manager came over to see how things were and noticed my friend, who happens to be Asian, at the table. He introduced himself to us, then turned to her and asked if she was Chinese. She told him that no, she was Japanese and he just laughed and said matter of factly, “Well, we are all the same…” With that he turned and walked away. We laughed at the table as he left. I smiled and thought about it for a little bit. How right he is. Not the fact he was actually talking about Asian people, the fact is, I took it as he was talking to me. We ARE all the same. Regardless of religion, color, gender, marraige status, sexual orientation, age, shoe size, height, weight, disability, hair or eye color… the list could go on. But in reality… we are all the same. We are of the human race. We feel, we think, we breathe the same air. We put on our pants one leg at a time, we brush our teeth with similar motion, and we sleep generally in the same fashion… mostly when it’s dark, and lying down. We share this planet, we laugh, we cry, we feel, we love… and sometimes… we hurt and we hate.
So I got to thinking. That last part… the hate. Why? Because we think we are more different than we are. We don’t seem to understand things that are not like us. We bring about war and crisis and chaos. And through it all, we find love and hope and opportunity. If we choose to. We all do. Even though it may be at different times, through different eyes and with differences of opinion. We choose to let our race or our age or our careers define us. We think differently about the world in front of our eyes because we are supposed to. Or we would all share one set of eyes. Standing on opposite ends of an elephant, we are bound to see and feel different things. And neither of us are wrong. That’s the beautiful part. It truly is that simple.
My air is no different. The moon in my sky is there when you look out your window too. And the fact that I am 5’11″ doesn’t change that.
Bob Wong was right. We are all the same.

We know… and we will.

Coach Jen — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:28:26 +0000

One thing I talk to my athletes about often is KNOWING… really KNOWING something. I LOVE the word Believe. I use it often in my workshops and seminars and even keynotes. I use it in my signature when I signautrographs… I use it in so many things I do. But, this piece is going to be about taking the next step. About really KNOWING with all of you… who you are and what you are about. I use this sparingly, like not tossing around the word LOVE unless warranted. It’s that precious to me.

It all starts with understanding it. You ready?
There are four stages of learning… I like to use this to explain the process we go through as athletes, and yes… it applies to non-athletes too.

Stage 1: We begin with unconscious incompetence. We don’t know what we don’t know. It’s that simple. It’s ignorance that stops us from reaching beyond this. Nothing more, nothing less.

Stage 2: Conscious incompetence. We KNOW that we don’t know. We begin to search for answers. As athletes, we work on correcting in practice. We seek out coaches. We are open to learning what we are doing wrong and work hard to correct it. We need guidance. But at least we are aware. Awareness, after all, is key.

Stage 3: Conscious Competence. We KNOW that we know, and are starting to get it. We still have to work at it, and think about it to make our muscles do what it is we are trying to do, but we are making it happen and we are doing it right. We just have to actually THINK about it.

Stage 4: Unconscious Competence. We don’t know that we know. We just do. We trust. We are a natural and don’t have to think about moving our muscles. We just let it happen and we react.

So where do you fall? Are you just starting something new in your life, or are you already past the point of having to think about doing it? I use examples of athletes, but this is so much a part of our everyday lives… We all start new things and have to learn them. Sometimes it’s hard to feel unsure of yourself and insecure about your abilities… but it’s all a part of the process. We can’t be experts at everything every time. Understand this is the chain of events in ANYTHING we attempt in life. It’s ok to be new at something. For those of us who may be perfectionists (YES… that includes good ol me, who wouldn’t shoot pool for the longest time, just because I didn’t know if I woud be good at it or not), There is hope! Understanding and accepting this concept has really helped me know that there is a process and that it’s ok to be IN the process.

So how do we get beyond this and how to we progress from one stage to the next?

It begins with our levels of confidence and of being.
We often start sentences about our future with these words:

I might…
I think…
I believe…
I know…
I will.

Notice how many times a day you say the top few… Often I would bet.
Notice how many times a day you say you KNOW something or you WILL do something. It’s probably a lot fewer.

Why?? What are we afraid of commiting to? We are now aware that we fall into one of the four stages of learning. So now we need to embrace where we are and move into full acceptance. This is the “doing” part…When we are confident and we don’t hold ourselves back from our true potential, we KNOW… we WILL. We don’t doubt or second guess our abilities to do ANYTHING. We work through the four stages and get to the end in whatever time it takes us to get there. We don’t worry about not being good enough. We ARE good enough.

So… can you say that about yourself? Whatever you are attempting to do in your life RIGHT NOW… are you doing it with your BEST intentions? Are you creating YOUR BEST life? Because we all have different ideas of what that is. And no one’s opinion really counts but your own. When will you start listening to YOU? Repeat after me: I KNOW… And I WILL.

There you go…. Nicely done. Now go make today count. You don’t get a redo.

Feel Fear… Do it Anyway

Coach Jen — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:45:24 +0000

Have you ever been afraid? I mean, really afraid? Wondering if you really can do something you want to do? Afraid you may fail?
What is the root of fear? Some say FEAR is False Evidence Apearing Real. I say it’s our mind doubting our own true potential. I think we all have greatness inside us. Every single person on this planet can make a difference. In fact… We all do… in one way or another, we affect each other in ways we will never see or know or comprehend. So what is your greatest fear? I have read so much about the fear of failure. How it can handicap an athlete or a business person, or you… how it holds you back from what you so desire. Think about the one thing that you would do if you knew you couldn’t fail. It takes courage to be a doer. It is easy to sit on the sidelines and watch. Perhaps one of my favorite quotes is the one on our office door at ETC, by Theodore Roosevelt. It’s so powerful, I am going to give you the whole thing:

”It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes up short time and time again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at worst, if he fails, at least while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

It’s about showing up, every day, and doing the “thing” that has to be done… about daring greatly. About feeling fear, and doing it anyway. Looking fear in the face and pressing on–around, over and through, no matter how high or how deep. Sometimes we fear that which we don’t know… and even more often than not, we fear our greatest power being realized. It’s called the fear of success. And you may be like me when I first heard that… thinking “NO WAY”… how can you be afraid to be successful. And I can tell you more so now then ever, I understand it. Pro athletes I have worked with have proven this to me. WE are more often afraid of being greater than we imagined than we are afraid of not being good enough. And sometimes, they work in tandem. They can handicap you. They often are what holds back even the greatest of success stories.

Awareness is number one. Know and understand what your fears are. So… what are you afraid of? Challenge yourself to do ONE thing you are afraid of today. You will realize in no time, that it wasn’t as scary as you first thought. Feel fear… Do it anyway. And in the process, learn to love the newness of life. Because after all, our greatness is what shapes us. And fear or not, we are made to realize it. Besides, what is the absolute worst thing that could happen? Nothing usually…

Heart of all things…LOVE.

Coach Jen — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 17:37:44 +0000

I am sure there isn’t a person out there who doesn’t remember what they were doing at 8:46 on September 11, 2001. That day changed us all. And every year at this time, I can recall how it felt on that gorgeous Septmember morning. These beautiful days, blue skies, crisp mornings… All remind me of driving up to Princeton, NJ early that Tuesday to babysit my nephew. I was helping my sister and her husband that summer a few days a week so they didn’t have to do the daycare thing yet. I got there around 8:20 that morning, in time to say goodbye to my brother-in-law and ready to do breakfast with my 18-month old nephew. I was planning the day with him outside, going for a walk, and playing with his favorite ball. It was a day just like any other day. I talked to my sister on the phone for a few minutes as she was telling me how she would decide that daycare was the only option. She was upset and felt badly that they didn’t have a way to keep him at home. She knew I had to get back to my business in Delaware, and they needed to make the tough decision. That phone call could have saved her life.

See, what I haven’t told you is that my sister Rebecca is an attorney for the Port of Authority of NY and NJ. Her office was on the 61st floor of the World Trade Center… Tower number 1. And yes, she was there that day… sitting at her desk when the first plane hit just above her. It shook the building so hard, her door slammed shut and she had to find her way out. Without hesitation, she made her way to the stairs and began her journey down. Passing firefighters and police on their way up. Knowing, they may never make the trek back down. She made her way out of the building and to my brother’s apartment, about a mile away. Through the streets, covered in ash. While we sat dialing and redialing to hear her voice. Three hours had past before we knew she was alive.

That day, for all involved was a labor of love. It was a day that we tested the strength of our ability to reach out and understand. To find new ways to appreciate each other. To love, regardless of the barriers we once held onto.
That day changed us all. We became a country who loved each other over night. Flags flew everywhere. People held doors again. We embraced strangers. We smiled more. All through tragedy and loss. 2,993 people lost their lives that day for us to remember to be kind and gentle to each other. And I knew some personally. Yet, regardless of whether or not you were personally affected by loss that day, you were a part of the “kindler, gentler nation” we all witnessed and found solace in.
That night, I was given the task of driving to the train station in Princeton to pick up my sister’s car she had left there earlier that morning. She was still stuck in the city until they would let people out. As I pulled into the train station parking lot, it occurred to me I wasn’t the only one there to pick up a car for someone. I saw tears, and fear and so many other emotions I had never seen before. It also occurred to me that some of these car’s didn’t have an owner coming back for it. We were lucky.
On the way home, I stopped at a local sub shop to pick up food. We hadn’t really rememberd to eat all day.
While I was waiting for a large order to feed our family, I sat and watched the days events unfold on the TV. I was glued to it all day, and sitting in the sub shop with strangers didn’t take away the tears. I was mezmerised. I was in shock. I am sure you remember the feeling. And as I sat there, a child, no more than about 6 or 7 was running around the shop screaming, playing with his toys. He was loud. VERY loud. And while that would usually grate on me after a short while, I looked at him and smiled. I had no knowledge of what his day was like, and if he had lost anyone that day either. And if he did, did he even know?
And it hit me… we are so quick to react and to get frustrated with people and we have no idea what their world is like in that moment.

I am always reminded of the quote by Thoraeu: “Most men lead lives of quiet desparation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”
This one day allowed us all to feel the same, and to accept each other for however we chose to be, or not be.
I want that back. I want to find a better way. I want to not get aggrevated at the car driving less than the speed limit in front of me… maybe there is a reason. I want to not get annoyed at the loud children in the restaurant… maybe there is a reason. I want to remember that everyone does things differently and it’s not always wrong. Because my reminder every year at this time is strong. I want it to be strong all year. I want us to not have to wait for tragedy to be kind to a stranger… to hold the door. To be more understanding of our shortcomings as human beings.

Because at the heart of all things is love. Always. How about we find that again? We are so much stronger that way.

Our Time is Right Now…

Coach Jen — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 01:03:18 +0000

School started today. For many it’s a fun day of reuniting with old friends and creating new ones. For some it’s dreadful… books and reports and classes. For all, it’s a new beginning. September always ushered in a new year… for me it was even more meaningful than New Year’s Day. It was the start of a new “Season” of learning, of a new cycle… a new beginning. For so many new beginnings are tough, uncomfortable, and scary. They cause you to get outside your comfort zone, even for a moment. They push you. Thank GOD for that.

How many to-do lists have you written… and how many have been completed? Do you set goals? And while I hope you do, ANYONE can write down a goal. Not anyone can finish them. And I might make some of you uncomfortable with this one… squirm in your seat a little while you are reading it. But what good am I if I don’t do MY job? If I don’t push your to do yours??

Uncomfortable yet? Good… I hope so. Because we are about to get to work. What is ONE goal you have had for yourself that you haven’t taken action to accomplish? Or maybe you STARTED it but didn’t ever see it through? And one excuse after another piled up like last week’s dirty laundry you didn’t get to either… Yeah? Sound familiar? It’s ok… it’s familiar to me too. That’s why I can write about it.

SO…. let’s move that goal along. TODAY. See, one thing I have learned deeply is that you CANNOT wait until tomorrow. All we can be sure of is RIGHT NOW. That’s all we have and can control. So, why wait? Why push something off to tomorrow’s list when tomorrow has it’s own stuff on it? Why not just get up, right now, and go take ONE STEP towards that goal? Is it getting healthy again? How about a 15 minute walk ….. RIGHT NOW? (How quickly is your mind reaching for excuses at this moment) Is it cleaning out a closet? How about a 15 minute reorganization session where you at least START it? Is it making more time for loved ones? How about picking up the phone to call a relative for 15 minutes, or walking in the next room and spending that time with your son or daughter, or spouse after a long day when you would normally be at the computer or the TV.

What’s wrong with RIGHT NOW? Really? What can you do in these 15 minutes that could take you one step closer to that goal? HOw about at least even write one down??

I spent my fifteen minutes today researching classes to go back to school. WHY? Because I am tired of waiting for a “good time” to do it. EVERY DAY we have here breathing and with the ability to make a difference is a GOOD TIME. So stop putting it off for a better time. Realize that the words “When I have the money,” When I lose weight,” and “When I have time” will never magically appear on the calendar.
Just take a step… ANY step. It will make you feel like you can accomplish anything.

And if you need courage…. or you need belief… Borrow some of mine. I found it again.

OUR time is right now. It’s all we have.

Believe in Constancy of Purpose.

Coach Jen — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 19:46:01 +0000

What is Constancy of Purpose? It is maintaining a focus on your goal and your long term vision- NO MATTER WHAT. It’s falling and getting back up, it’s going around, under or through… it’s drive and desire that is unmatched by anything in your life. No Matter What…
And I say NO MATTER WHAT in a way that is non-negotiable.

Gerry Nelson has not had it easy. From a very young age he has had to overcome many difficult challenges and yet he has persisted through it all and maintained his focus and stayed on track with his vision…See, Gerry wanted to be a pro golfer.

Gerry’s story begins at the age of 6 when he was diagnosed with diabetes. Five years later he lost his mother to leukemia and at the age of 23, his father past away. Losing both parents would have been quite a challenge, however Gerry’s biggest challenge, the one that would completely change his life, would happen two years later. Resulting fron his diabetes, at the age of 25, Gerry lost his eyesight.

After he lost his sight, Gerry became connected with the United Way and took advantage of the programs that they have to offer the blind. With their help, he went back to school and got a degree in Social Work at Athabasca University. Gerry also started to golf again and in 1990, two years after he lost his sight, he began his career as a blind golfer.

Soon after he turned pro, his golf game took off. Gerry won the Western Canadian Championships five times, he is a two-time winner of the Provincial Championships and Gerry is also a former Canadian Open champion. “It’s not that we are super men or super women,” Gerry states, “we are just like everyone else, looking for a chance to display our potential and our abilities. All we ask is that we be given an opportunity.”

That’s keeping a focus on the goal, Even when you can’t physically SEE it…NO MATTER WHAT.

Life has not been kind to Violet Glaude. She was born into an abusive home, and when she was older, she entered into an abusive marriage. But Violet was able to break the vicious cycle of abuse and ended her marriage and moved herself and nine of her eleven children to Edmonton for a fresh start and a new life.

The family’s fresh start was not easy though. When Violet arrived in Edmonton, she was broke, illiterate, and unable to speak English. Despite these challenges, she was able to find a job and raised her children as a single parent. As her children grew older and finished high school, Violet encouraged them to obtain a post-secondary education. Violet’s illiteracy prevented her from helping her children when they encountered academic hardships, but she told her children what she must tell herself: “Don’t give up, no matter how hard it gets, don’t quit.” All of Violet’s children followed her mantra and all of her children were able to finish their post-secondary educations and move on to fulfilling careers.

That’s keeping a focus on the long term vision… NO MATTER WHAT.

And you don’t need a personal life struggle to reach deep and believe in that. All you need is a goal, a desire to be a part of this amazing and intricately complex puzzle of humanity–a desire to make an impact with your life.

With courage and determination, a Saskatoon man named Rocky Bishop personifies this idea in his pursuit to help the less fortunate. A registered nurse, Rocky was motivated by the Hurricane Katrina tragedy that swept through New Orleans. He was determined to travel to New Orleans to help out in any way he could.

Unfortunately, with many of the phone lines down, Rocky had trouble making contact with anyone in New Orleans. He searched online for contact numbers in phone books and talked to anyone he could to find a way to New Orleans.

Some of Rocky’s first calls were to search and rescue operations located in Portland, San Diego, and Minnesota. He didn’t have any luck getting answers. However, there was light at the end of the tunnel. Rocky made contact with the Department of Home and Health Safety in Washington DC. They gave him a contact number for Lonnie Wascom – the director for emergency services in the North Shore area. Lonnie was receiving dozens of messages every day, but that morning, the first message he listened to was from Rocky. After hearing Rocky’s message, Lonnie called and told him to book his flight right away.

Since then Rocky has been to New Orleans three times. The first time, in November, he went by himself. In January he took his 15-year-old daughter Melissa. He returned by himself this past June.
This is a story of a man with a goal. A goal to help others in need. A goal to make life better for himself and for those around him. Rocky never quit, and he has forever changed the lives of the people he helped in New Orleans.

These are all stories of Constancy of Purpose. And there are thousands more, each of us with our own. Some days are harder than others, of course. But you have to know what it is you are fighting for first before you can even know that you want to fight. SO…What is your purpose, your desire and passion in life. What gets you out of bed in the morning with the determination to leave a legacy? What is the fire in your gut that makes you go to the end and back of your emotional, physical and mental strength…

Really, what is yours? Find it and don’t let it go… NO MATTER WHAT.

Hurry up, the world is waiting for you…

It’s time to believe in that again.

Love it… One more time.

Coach Jen — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 22:16:06 +0000

What happens when you come to the end of something in your life? Do you create something new? Or do you hold on to the past too long?
There are so many cliche’s and quotes behind this thought… “When one door closes, another opens” and “There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Change…. most people don’t love it. I do.
Ok, maybe not LOVE it, but embrace the idea behind it. Or… maybe I do love it. But there is so much uncertainty, so many questions about what remains…

See, the challenge for us all is to go through life in the present. NOT thinking about what may happen tomorrow, NOT worrying about what just happened yesterday. There was a sign on my former boss’s desk that I will never forget. It was so simple, but it impacted my life in complex ways. “Be Here Now.”

And so I stole that and made that the cornerstone of my Mental Toughness Academy. Being in the present… overcoming your need to worry about past and future. All we have is now… and risking sounding too cliche, it’s all about seizing the day, and more importantly the moment. CARPE TEMPORIS PUNCTUM… Literally means seize the moment in latin…. so does Carpe Diem.

So I get back to my five words today. This is what hung in the locker room of the Force the night of their last game. We spoke all season about playing for love of the game. The last night was no different than the first. And even though their lives all went in different directions Monday morning, they all were there with one common purpose and goal Sunday night: To love it one more time. TO be fully present and give everything they had to that moment. To respect the game, to love the game, to find passion in every pitch.

What about you? Do you live your life like every moment counts? Or are you worrying too much about things you can’t control? Every day, every moment… make it the most important moment you have. And even if it’s not the last time you see someone or do something, act as if… because you never know when it will be your last. It’s a lot like my favorite definition of faith:

“When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will learn to fly.”

Regardless of what may happen, regardless of past or future. Regardless of belief or faith. Give all of you the next time you do anything. Know that no matter what happens, if you give everything you have, it always comes back. So instead of worrying about what happened before or what may happen later, Play like TODAY is your last game, give of yourself like it’s all you have. Take nothing for granted. And…Love it… One more time. Every time.

It’s so beautiful up here…

Coach Jen — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 16:17:18 +0000

These last few weeks have had me in various airports, flying to various cities… one thing that I don’t really enjoy is flying. I am not afraid of heights, or anything like that… it’s more of a space issue. I am not a small person and fitting in those upright little squares of room is just not comfortable. So I don’t love to fly. I fly alone most of the time I do fly, and take my favorite magazines with me so I can catch up on them…Inc., Fast Company and Entrepreneur seem to be the three I subscribe to that I love to read cover to cover. And of course there is always a book or two in my bag when I am finished with those. As a music lover, I also always have my ipod on. I was on my way from Nashville to Orlando last week and was seated next to a mother and her six year old little boy, Oliver. He was adorable, as all kids that age tend to be. But one thing stood out to me… his eyes. He was nervous perhaps, but not scared. He looked like he had done this before. Mom took her spot at the window, Oliver in the middle seat. I always like the Aisle to stretch my legs. I had sat before them so once they got situated I refastened my seat belt and put my ipod back on. A few minutes later as we were getting ready to take off, I felt a small hand trying to find it’s spot on the armrest. I moved slightly and gave him room to share with me. He did. A few more minutes and we were in the air. It was an early (6am) flight, my favorite time to be in the air. Watching the sun rise with you is one of the most amazing things I have seen. As I took out my magazine and was about to put my ipod back on (yes, the captain just made the announcement that we could use all portable electronic devices….) I heard a husky little voice, in the most breathtaking of emotions… “It’s so beautiful up here.” Right then, I counted quickly…. Yep…. Five words. Those were my five words for that day. He affected me deeply and had no idea. His hand was resting on my arm… comfort perhaps, or just a place to rest his hand. And as he fell asleep with head nodding motions, his bobbing head even found my shoulder. His mother looked over and very apologetically was about to wake him up to move him…. I quickly mouthed to her, NO… he’s fine. We both smiled and went back to reading. One thing was true that flight…I thought more about the beauty in things than I had in a while. I needed that.
Yes, Oliver… It’s so beautiful up here.
It’s the Process not the outcome that matters. Enjoy the flight.